well, i have to write something creative tonight about myself for english club tomorrow. maybe i should write about how i miss my childhood, or maybe how my heart is always getting broken or perhaps how happy i should be, but i still find myself walking in circles. who knows, i guess it depends on the mood i am in when i write it. off to work.

sometimes i think 'at what cost.' at what cost is all this stuff i do in my life worth it? is it worth the headaches, the nights of no sleep and the constant thinking in circles that i create? then i look and say well it must be at the cost of what i would be doing if i wasn't doing the things that i am right now, and most of those things are bad. even though sometimes you think that those bad things would be great and no responsiblility is ideal, but then what is there to live for? just a thought. i have a headache so its not to good of a though, kinda crackley. i just got off work, called people for 3 hours asking for money...now thats ideal. let me tell you. now i am off to study for my micro-economics test that i have hear are gruesomely hard from my profesor so i hope that all of you have a much better night than me, cause its gonna be hard.

It has been an extrememly hard morning/day. I had to do something that I hope no one ever has to do and I hope that this person doesn't think that I get self-satisfaction out of this and that I did it only because I care.

Eye One The Finish Line (Pedro the Lion)
"Such an awful, tragic night, though I've only done what's right. But even with my conscience clear, I can't help this flood of tears.
I've got my eye on the finish line. I've got my eye on the finish line. I've got my eye on the finish line.
Though I'm striving for their good, I will be misunderstood. Even my own darling dear, misconstrued what was so clear.
Given the time I think she would have understood, that it was for the greater good. Soon I will meet her at our mansion in the sky, leaving this wicked world behind.
It's strange that it should end this way, but martyrs never have a say."

Lament (Ranier Maria Rilke)

Whom will you cry to heart? More and more lonely, your path struggles on through incomprehensible mankind. All the more futile perhaps for keeping to its direction, keeping on toward the future, toward what has been lost. Once. You lamented? What was it? A falled berry of jubilation, unripe. But now the whole tree of my jubilation is breaking, in the storm it is breaking, my slow tree of joy. Loveliest in my invisible landscape, you that made me more known to the invisible angel.

Its thursday. One more day of the week to go before I try and take a relaxing, study-fulfilling, maybe a little debauchery...but not much break. Life has been crazy for my lately. I have a job now, well I have training tonight. Its a stupid school job but its sufficient for now. I have been so tired lately, I even went to bed early last night. Trying to catch up on some rest. I have been writing a lot lately. I thought about changing my focus to perhaps a novel. Its easier for younger people to get recognized when they write a novel because of their age so maybe now is the time. riight. Maybe they will have me on the today show and matt lauer or katie couric can interview me. my brothers blog is sonicfleck.blogspot.com. not that you want it but i felt like saying that. if anyone lives in austin and is here the 21st of september go to cactus at ut and check out jeff klein/matthew ryan. Then on october 4 Bright Eyes is playing at the mercury i believe...conor oburst is my hero. also check out the new spoon cd, its a good catch. i love elke ep out in october i think...that consists of johnny goudie and einar from the former band Goudie. They are cool. Anyways I am rambling trying to keep from writing whats really on my mind so I am going to stop now. xo manda

I guess this is working again finally. I keep getting hurt but I keep returning...when will I learn? I come to be and get the cold shoulder again, I can feel it in the pit of my stomach like a disease eating away slowly at my heart. Another breakdown? Perhaps so.

I don't understand why this blog thing isn't working...testing testing 123???